What does it mean to be "A Real Man"?

A story of reflection and an outline of the kind of man I hope to become.

What does it mean to be "a real man"?

It was 2023, and I was in New York City celebrating Thanksgiving with my girlfriend's family. This date was significant to us for two reasons:

This trip would mark the first opportunity I’d have to meet either of her parents in person, and it would also be the first and only time she’d ever introduced any of her romantic partners to her father, Mr. Lamptey.

Contrary to first glance, Mr. Lamptey, a Ghanaian man with the height and stature of a retired NFL linebacker, is actually quite lighthearted and jovial. He spent the majority of my time there cracking jokes and telling me about his favorite whiskeys.

My girlfriend, however, whose natural response to anxiety is cooking, layered the Thanksgiving table with enough food to feed seven families for two weeks straight.

We were all sitting at the table enjoying dinner for around 30 minutes when I noticed that Mr. Lamptey had become uncharacteristically quiet.

As though he recognized the contemplation in my glance, he took in a deep breath and began to speak.

“Righteous,” he said, in a tone much more serious than the jovial one I’d become accustomed to. He paused, taking in another deep breath.

In that silence, my mind raced. Had I said something wrong? Was I about to be warned, or worse, dismissed? I felt like a deer on pavement, frozen at the edge of discovering what’s on the other side of the bright lights coming down the road. I sat there waiting for his next words.

“You are a real man.”

---

The entire table fell silent.

A wave of mild confusion and relief washed over me. Unsure what to say, I let out a quiet “thank you, sir.”

I hoped that layering those words with a short, self-deprecating laugh would help move the conversation along. The room, however, remained silent.

For what felt like two hours, the entire family shifted their gaze of disbelief between me and Mr. Lamptey.

“What’s wrong?” I asked anxiously.

Mrs. Lamptey was the first to speak. “Wow,” she said. “Nothing’s wrong; it’s just that he’s never said that about anyone before.”

I learned then that, for Mr. Lamptey, there are very few men on this planet deserving of the title “a real man.” My girlfriend and her brother had spent their entire lives listening to him speak about how few “real men” there were in the world, but they had never heard him say this about anyone.

---

Thinking back on that moment earlier today, I found myself wondering what I would consider to be the characteristics of “a real man.” Having spent the majority of my childhood raised solely by my mother in a single-parent household, so much of what I considered to make up “a real man” was a reflection of what she’d taught me.

I thought about my biological father and his choice to remain absent in my life. I thought about my dad and his choosing to be present in my life. I thought of the many male mentors I’d made in my life thus far. I thought of the kind of man I wanted to be and the kind of man I hoped to never become.

After a few hours, I had an entire list. Curious to hear their feedback and to see how ours differed, I sent the list to my parents and my friends and, of course, read feedback from Mr. Lamptey himself.

After a few days and some nice suggestions. Here is my final list of the first ten characteristics I’d consider to make up a real man.

1. He takes care of his family and understands that in order to take care of his family, he has to take care of himself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

2. When problems arise, he faces them head-on. He first seeks solutions, making little time for complaints or excuses.

3. He's wise enough to admit when he's wrong. Strong enough to ask others for help

4. He leads with compassion, striving to improve the lives of those around him. He treats everyone with respect and dignity.

5. He properly manages his money

6. He refrains from pride.

7. He maintains a persistent desire to grow. He learns from his failures and embraces feedback.

8. He's entitled to nothing and finds pleasure impossible without consent.

9. He's consistent; he does what he says he will do and will admit when he can no longer uphold his end of the deal.

10. He knows the wisdom that comes from saying less and listening more. Every chance he gets, he stops talking.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with my list, and I’m sure it will keep evolving as I grow. But if you’ve made it this far, I’d love to hear from you. What do you think makes a real man? What would be on your list?